When in doubt get gorgeous: ahoy acne strucks!

Now that all seems lost I figured it would be the perfect time to metamorphose into a swan and unnerve all those around me and make them go ‘Gah!!!’

There were a decent few who made it to the list of people I particularly wanted to perturb.

First, there was my old Art history teacher who hobnobbed with Vogue models and looked at me like I were some primitive insect, who survived the Armageddon and somehow stuck around. Last semester he gave me a ‘B’ because I wore a patchwork gypsy skirt to my presentation. (Of course he didn’t admit this publicly but I can see through these arty-farty kinds as good as I see through glycerine soap).

Secondly, there was my landlady. Sweet breathed and xylophone voiced, even her fart smells like room freshener! Every month when she clip-clopped her way down to my room for the rent she invariably stopped short at my study desk and rubbed a manicured finger over my acne poked face. “Unfortunate”, I would hear her say like clockwork, with strains of concern lining her otherwise seamless face. Twice this year she offered to reduce my room rent due to my ‘disability’.

Thirdly, there was my slimy, reptile of an ex-boyfriend whom I now see strutting about in the cafeteria with a leggy model-type, proud as a peacock, chest inflated and eyes shining like he were on ecstasy. Last month when I caught the two smooching around like there was no tomorrow the creep blinked like he had just been slapped out of a dream by reality herself and simply claimed that he didn’t recognize me!

So that was that.
Action had to be taken, and that too pronto.
Determinedly I downloaded some handy tips off the net.

First step to swan hood – earth shatteringly gorgeous make-up.

I clicked and clicked repeatedly on page after page.
‘Looking gorgeous is all about identifying your assets and cancelling out your flaws’.

Identify assets. Cancel flaws. I noted down gravely.

‘Locate your drawbacks. What is it that you need to hide? Is it your poke marks?’
Check.
‘….a few residual zits and gits?’
Check.
‘…that stray acne breakout?’
hmmm…Check.
‘or is it those exasperating eruptions that emerge from nowhere and stick around till eternity ?’
Sigh. Check. Check.
“No problem”
The page finally said after having shattered my hopes into bits.
‘Just click on……for special acne blemish make-up tips or …..for special zit and git camouflaging tips or on…..for special tips to take 10 years off your face and look like your pre-puberty self.’

It was an overwhelming palette. Unable to make my mind up about what my priority ought to be I clicked randomly and sat facing a series of brightly lit up windows.

First up, Zit and Git camouflaging tips.

Tip 1: if you have a red sore zit staring out of your face like a headlight don’t fret simply use Green Concealer (!!!!!!!!)

Green concealer? GREEN concealer????? Forget the fact that I had no clue where you could possibly get one of those or if anyone except the Grinch’s special cosmeticians even manufactured them I was simply NOT going to put anything GREEN on my perfectly un-green face. Uh-Uh.

But the beauty guide was adamant. ‘ The green will cancel out the redness of the pimple…’
Nope, still not convincing.
‘It works like this, on the colour wheel green is immediately opposite the colour red, which means that if you use these on each other they will cancel each other out…’

I was not buying, and had a good mind to try out the theory with pastels on some good old paper before actually performing the art-work on my face. The last thing I needed was to walk around with green fungus like smudges covering odd spots on my face!

Okay now Tip 2: Add emphasis to some other feature of your face, like your eyes, to take away the attention from the blemishes. For this use a good water-proof liquid eyeliner and mascara and a nicely sharpened eye pencil.

Now this sounded like solid advice, something that could be done, something I had seen other people do and therefore knew was do-able. I quickly scrawled down ‘water-proof mascara and eyeliner and a kohl pencil’ in my wanted list.

Tip 3: for small irritating and visible eruptions on the face use a concealer of a shade either lighter or darker than your skin tone. Dab them on the individual zits and blend 10 minutes after having set it.

Concealer. one shade darker or lighter than skin tone/foundation.

Tip 4: before you start off with your make-up regime remember to Moisturize, Moisturize, Moisturize!!! Albeit with a water-based lotion else your cleansed and toned face will start feeling dry and your face will supply more oil to keep it hydrated. Result, more zits and pimples.

Water-based moisturizer.

My list was now long and fruitful. Soon, I would sway my magic wand and change things around.
Till next week then. In search of swan-hood.