Relationship basics: the NOT to do’s

Make no mistake, you can shove your relationship guru’s advice right down your kitchen sink, the one who makes the first after-fight call is the one who has Lost!

It’s true and every one knows it.
If you have been secretly patting your back, congratulating yourself for having successfully ‘broken’ the proverbial after-scuffle ‘ice’ you might as well get a LOSER tattooed on your forehead. While you are painfully swallowing your ego, being the ‘better human being’ the person at the other end of the line is most obviously grinning a champion’s grin and getting ready to raise his trophy for the benefit of the photographer!

Given my sound, sagacious knowledge about such obvious relationship power economics I never lower my dignity and make the first move after a fight.
No siree!
That wouldn’t be me.
You won’t find me crawling back to some man who has in fact dared to demean my honor and cross swords with me.
If there must be truce it must be brought by him, respectfully.
My self-honor keeps me, and many many others like me hopefully, from giving the men the self-satisfaction a post fight call tends to bring.

Of course a missed call isn’t the same as a call.

One missed call is quite enough, if the man at the end of the line is really sorry and courteous he will call back immediately and apologize. Of course one should not relent immediately, that would just scream DESPERATE.

But twice is quite enough for an individual to be let off.
After all to forgive and forget is the sign of a greater being.

If the second missed call is not answered or worst still if the phone is found busy then all hell must break forth. Clearly the man is not just being impolite but downright unfaithful. Much must be done then.

For starters, the line must be tried, relentlessly, for the next hour or so.
Once the hour mark is passed and the phone is still engaged you can rest assured that the call concerns a woman.
Probably a beautiful woman at that. Perhaps one with a better posterior than yours.
No time must be lost once such a betrayal is discovered.
You must immediately let the swine know that you don’t care about him, that he is inconsequential.
Hence, you must immediately take a cab to his place and pound on his door.
Scream at the top of your lungs demanding him to open the door.
He must.
He has to.

If he is a gentleman he will quickly fling his door open and run out of his apartment chanting a string of apologies.
A bunch of your favourite flowers in one hand.
A box of the best truffle chocolates in the town in the other.

If he is sane he will either call the cops or burst a blood vessel trying to do so.

Either way the events will keep you satisfactorily occupied.

Perhaps you will have to spend the night picking out lice from your jail-mates hair. But that will be okay.
It will all be worth it.
At least you will no longer be stuck in a pseudo-relationship with a needy, desperate, unfaithful man who was making your life a hell.
You will be a free girl.

P:S: As adequate revenge you can always forward your mess maker of a boyfriend to me.
I am single, and particularly proficient in helping such troubled men deal with their past trauma