The dress-buying nightmare…!!!!!
February 29, 2008
I am after all a mere mortal, and I have my pet nightmares.
It’s the usual, and they drop by every now and then in the middle of the night or at other times when I am busily unaware of their existence.
Not that I mind, now that I have managed to pet them. It’s been a while since I have flinched and screamed out when they come. Instead, I greet them perfunctorily, like you’d greet an old, alcoholic friend who smells like old socks and generally gives you the heebie-jeebies.
Having being tamed my pet nightmares are often rather petty.
I’d just begun to forget all about the nasty old fellows when they rushed back in joyously again. My practised ease being a little unused felt uncomfortably rusty and I admit I wasn’t as gracious as I’d liked to have been.
It was like this, yesterday when I happened to get my hands on a little unexpected cash I, fifteen that I am at heart, decided to buy myself some nice little dress off a fine boutique.
Now, to be honest I am not a particularly seasoned boutique shopper. You wouldn’t get me to spell out exactly when I bought the last designer label even if you hypnotized me.
So, needless to say I felt a bit of a virgin.
With girlish excitement I walked into the nearest shop that caught my sight. Spring in step, humming like a spring child. Up, up I climbed the stairs (discreetly slipping on the banana-skin like slick floor, but quickly recovering before my ear turned beetroot).
Ah! What a lovely interior. Such lights, bathing everything in bright… bright.. cheerful shine…such mirrors, framed and gilted, like it framed the image of the Queen of Monaco…and the upholstery on the sofa…such taste…such fine taste.
My reverie was cracked open by the attendant’s high-pitched, clacking cough. Clearly, it was a desired effect.
“May I help you”, I heard her say, although her crimson lips were barely moving. “Like a parrot”, I thought, without of course being rude enough to voice it. I nodded, afraid that my voice would crack the large glass windows, or the mirrors or at least the woman’s high heels. ‘I’d like to be as reverential as a mouse in a church’ I decided.
A few frantic gestures later I had managed to communicate what I wanted to the woman. She looked displeased “are you sure?” she asked suspiciously. And then, deciding that I was perhaps a tourist with little or no knowledge of the local language she went into a foreign relations mode. “Lot of money” she said, in a strangely loud voice, “BIG designer”…”too much expensive”.
Feeling peevish I simply unhooked the hanger from the wall and scrambled into the nearest changing room. The woman, quick though she was (reflex is one of the prime considerations for retail sales people don’t you know) was left huffing outside the door.
Dress clutched in hand, I felt triumphant. One corporate bimbette outdone, a couple million more to go. I turned with a sizeable grin and that’s when the first missile struck. The bloody room was a mirror house. I looked around helplessly. Mirror on the ceiling, mirror on the 4 walls, mirror on the floor. Mother of god, there was really no escaping yourself here!
Every pore of my face was exposed in here, every zit, every scar, every little scratch, displaced strand of hair. I trembled and resolved not to look. With eyes half closed I climbed into the slinky purple dress. Don’t look at the mirrors, don’t look…I chanted…as if the mirrors would, Medusa like, turn me to stone …or worse. But kids these days, they don’t listen you know, and the more you say “DON’T” the more they are likely to “DO”. So quickly I took a look.
Out of vain. I admit.
And the shock! The sight! Out with vanity!….the glimpse of the Cuba-sized posterior, so well-hidden and denied with such exuberance for the most of my lifetime….the pedestal like thighs….oh!! all revealed…all revealed. Flustered I looked down only to be exposed again…I looked away…to the left…to the right…upwards….was there really no exit to this reality room?
I jolted out of the place faster than I had jutted in.
Big shops and fancy dresses have an odd way of leaving you feeling naked.
Next time I am in the mood for some dress-shopping I will just opt for a nap and a nightmare, I resolved.
Doherty a Hero?! Cheryl’s Showdown and The Hills Returns …
February 29, 2008
Pete Doherty has been voted ‘Hero of the Year’ at the NME awards and I sit here drinking my morning coffee wondering “Has the world gone insanely stark raving mad?!” Come on people! How on earth can this greasy untalented drug addict be influential in any award ceremony, and what on earth does this say about the state of the music industry and this country if we have voted for him? Best known for dating Kate Moss and his persistent drug use than for his actual ‘Band’ (and I use that term loosely) Babyshambles. Read more
How to have Now Brows!
February 29, 2008
They say the eyes are the windows to your soul; but if you ask any obsessive beauty buff, they’ll tell you that it’s the eyebrows that are the tantalizing gates that frame them!
Lisa Shepherd on the Oscars
February 27, 2008
We’ve already heard about who won what at the Oscars, but most people are more concerned with who wore what and most importantly what was everyone’s hair like. The 80th annual ceremony, held in Hollywood was all about glamour as the celebrities opted for splashes of red on outfits, lips and of course the carpet. One-shoulder dresses where definitely hot property this year and were teamed with glossy curls and ponytails for the ultimate A-List style. Hair Colour Doctor and Channel 4’s Ten Years Younger hair colour expert, Lisa Shepherd is certainly no stranger when it comes to working with the celebrities or creating A-list looks.
So she’s provided us with her opinion on who won what in the hairstyle stakes this year:
The Oscars Red Carpet Style 2008
February 26, 2008
The 80th Annual Academy Awards, or The Oscars as it is more affectionately known, were held on Sunday. The A List stars turned up in a range of gorgeous gowns to battle it out in the style stakes on the red carpet at the most glamorous celebrity event of the year.
Detox the simple way
February 25, 2008
An occasional detox works because it gives your body a break. By channelling the body’s energies away from dealing with meals and snacks that are difficult to digest and metabolise, and which play havoc with blood sugar, you can free up energy for regeneration and cleansing.
Try the following tips to get you started on a simple detox plan for one week. Read more
The Hair-dryer agony…..
February 22, 2008
If you have never been stuck thickly enough to have to call one of the help center numbers most of your appliances come with you probably won’t get the drift of what I am trying to say here. See, like most of you reading this I am not one of those who spend hours on the phone trying to reach the manufacturing company just to know how to turn the coffee-maker on. Read more
Penelope Premiers Jennifer Lopez gives Birth to Twins and More!
February 22, 2008
I’ve been looking forward to a little film called Penelope for a while now and was delighted to see some photo’s emerge from the premiere! Penelope is a modern day fairytale starring Christina Ricci as a young girl with a terrible curse, hidden away from the world. Befriended by a free spirited rock chick (Reece Witherspoon) she sets her sights on finding the man of her dreams (James McAvoy) who will love her despite her rather unfortunate disfigurement. Theres a cute little rhyme from the movie that sums it up perfectly … Read more
